: shadows are more than solid lines

this is the second time i’m writing this post
and i pissed at this fact 

obnoxious
əbˈnäk sh əs

extremely unpleasant.

i’m confused
are you there
or are you not

you are obnoxious

it’s sad that things
turned out this way
it’s sad that i don’t know
you anymore

sometimes would just want to
hang out with you
and talk to you
catch up on you
but
it seems that u are unavailable
unexcited about knowing me or us or you

but well
time will tell
if i’ll see you eye to eye
or even talk to your heart

you are precious

day one of three
of full shifts…
eh…
almost died
with a suspected
stomach flu
nauseated at night
headache

ate medicine
going sleep soon though

well i had a thought a few days ago
i penned it down on a cardboard
in hotside one day
but kind of lost
but yea i’ll try to recall

if we, christians, claim to know god
to have seen his glory during conversion
to know that god is good
god is merciful,
to see god’s grace
and hand work in our lives,

how then can we say
or act as if
we didn’t know god
we didn’t need god
we don’t want god in our lives

how then knowing all of god
not desiring god
but wanting everything
but god

we say it’s rebelion
we say it’s our natural self
we say just let me go my way

i think it’s just excuses
some of which i had used

we say that we need god
we say that we want god
we say that we desire god
and yet the same time
reject his grace
reject his offer
to fill us
by choosing else but Him

it’s like saying we are hungry
and we have a perfect meal right in
front of our faces
and yet
prowiling into the garbage
eating garbage thinking
that it tastes better

humans
how stupid
me, how more stupid i am

i thank dad
that i despise
woman who sell themselves cheap
and am disgusted
at man who buy into the cheapness

i mourn for myself when such happens
i mourn for others when such happens

though none go with me
i will follow
i will follow
no turning back
no turning back

no matter what my tendencies are
i will choose to honor You

when i look in the mirror
what do i see

i don’t only see jesus
but i see a handsome
young man
growing

i can’t rmb the last time
when i look myself in the mirror
and complimented myself as
handsome

not so much of the self narcissistic praise
but the contention with myself
the enjoyment of my unique self
i accept my looks and my self
as who my maker ment me to be

i’m at peace with myself

i really need somewhere to put my thoughts
i do think much
process it
and forget about it

it’s been donkey weeks since a good blog
i owe it to myself
being busy with everything else
but no quality time with myself
to think
to process
to internalise things

maybe
i haven’t rested enough
since my mission trip
i jumped right into the
things i do daily back again
i’m tired

maybe that’s why debbie
felt that i was quieter
maybe that’s why
i’m more regularly late
maybe that’s why
i can’t be bothered to
run for the bus
or chase for trains
anymore
maybe that’s why
i get irritated
seeing people running around
being so kiasu
standing in front of doors
to get it when i want to get out
i juz want to shout at these people

the trip really changed me
i now understand when
Solomon wrote that
all is vanity
i see that in a whole new light
jesus’ words saying
your treasures are in heaven
brings a whole new perspective to me
it finally meant something to be
in my heart

i can no longer stand in this
chase for wind
that most Singaporeans are satisfied with
the money
the family
the cars
the job
i all dosen’t matter to me anymore

money… just one swipe
it’s gone
family… one accident
it disappears
cars… one crash
it’s wrecked
job… one word
it vanishes

i watched a show on hallmark today
titled
though none go with me
it’s a beautiful love story
but the underline meaning
the beauty of the service for christ
it wowed me
there was this line that spoke to me

though none go with me
i will follow
no turning back
no turning back
i will follow

and how when you are 70
you look back
and how god has worked through you
you’ll be amazed and humbled
at how many you’ve impacted
it challenged me
the show challenged me

how one trip
can change someone so much
can change me so much
i’m not looking for an easy way out of the singapore lifestyle
the stresses the pace the heat the rudeness the recklessness
i’m looking for the freedom of christ for the singapore lifestyle
the peace the willingness the love

i’m just looking forward
to having a beer with a friend
pausing from the singapore pace
just chatting and complaining on life
anyone on for it…
you know my number…

———————————————————————————

i was thinking
and a thought dawned on me
i’m not in a stage where i can plug in
a relationship and live
i’ll overload

when i look at joc smsing and ian spending time
i so can see my self doing that
and dying the next day

i want a gf but
thinking thinking thinking
i can’t take it
the time on the phone late night daily
the time messaging late night daily
i’ll just fall asleep
and i really really need to sleep enough
i can’t take the need to go out or see each other
almost daily
that’s just too much time

i hate it when girls are possessive
wanting to see me everyother minute
and will get upset just because i don’t
reply her message within an 5 min…

i told joc this
and she said this
you need a girl who need less security
every girl needs security
but you get one who needs less
:D
i just thought in my heart at that point of time
i need a girl who is secure in christ
and secure in the god who is over the relationship
and trusts me enough to love her despite my inadequacies
and lack of giving attention

in hippie language
“dude, i’m a free sprit”

so i conclude,
i can’t have a functional
bgr just YET

———————————————————————————-

one thing after reading 3 chapters of future grace
this stuck with me

“Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.” -eph 5:4

jp wrote explained the verse in away that blew me away

thanksgiving is mutually exclusive from crude joking

you can’t be having foolish talk and give thanks at the same time
since

we are called to give thanks in all circumstances
and give thanks all the time

i’m gulity
guarantee
plus
chop

and yea
i’m struggling with this